at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
