It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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