so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I would ride that face into the sunset
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
