we're chasing vodka with high fives
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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