I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
