he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
