DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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