Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize