My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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