i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
