we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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