just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
