Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
