I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm just crazy horny about you
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She made me pour olive oil on her.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
