I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
