your parents love me but you hate me
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
