I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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