I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
