i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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