i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
