i jhust puked up my retainher.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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