Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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