This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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