Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
