Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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