what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
