it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
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Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
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C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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