Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
