He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
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