You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
