he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She said her name was "party"
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
