Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
