She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
