I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
