So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Randomize
