Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
