Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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