I could have mohawked her pubes.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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