I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
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