my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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