I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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