proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
