hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
