dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
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This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
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On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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