I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
