He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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