I can't watch pbs sober anymore
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
