Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
