he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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