Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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