i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
