I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
