there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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