yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
