MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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