yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
